During this Breast Cancer Awareness month I have been reflecting.  I am not sure why this year has hit me the way it has.  I have been just a little more emotional then I have over the last couple of years.  It may be that I have started to put my story together to have it published in a book.  It may be that I have finally started to settle into a comfortable routine.  It may also be that I have learned a lot about myself this year.   Either way it makes me think of how many of you may be feeling these same emotional pangs this time of year.   Which made me think about how different times in my life I have thought, Dear God how can this be fair?!  Whether it was when I was first diagnosed with cancer or when I lost my soul mate to his cancer battle.  These were the biggies for sure.    When I think about these times or about things just not seeming fair; it is funny how I tend to think about my Mom.  That childhood instinct seems to kick in with that ever-tugging need to call Mom.  Even as a grown adult a hug from Mom just seems to melt the worries away.

Speaking of my wonderful Mom; she wrote a poem for me as she was watching me go through my cancer battle.  This poem was so hard for me to read without breaking down to cry at every sentence.  Since then I have shared her poem at almost every speaking engagement I have had the honor to be at.  So in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month and wonderful, amazing Mother’s everywhere.  I would like to share my Mom’s touching poem with you.

Title: Stacie From The Inside-Out

Written By: Viki Gardner ©2009

Life is wonderful, without much strife;  A working mother, a loving wife, No time for an extra ride in life.  Who’s this person you’re talking of?  I’m so young, and so in love…  It can’t be me, can’t you see?  I’ve things to do and places to be.  Wait – slowdown, did I hear you say?  There is Cancer – we can’t delay, My head is confused, don’t tell me this, I don’t want figures of what – what if…  My world is spinning, crying out – inside, No, my life – untied! Oh where can I hide?  I don’t want this ride; I can’t take this ride!

I’m so young, full of life with much to do, you see; One surgery maybe two, maybe three; Taking away bits and pieces and parts of me…  From the mirror I try to hide; To the shower I slip inside, And cried and cried, and cried……  I don’t want this ride; I can’t take this ride; Oh where, oh where can I hide?  Some stare, but others say, “I look fine!”  They see me only part of the time.  I don’t mind.  I know they’re being kind.  I’m hiding the aches and pains deep inside; I don’t like this ride; I don’t want this ride!

There’s poking and prodding and chemicals abound; I’m ill, I’m sick except for the sound —– Of loved ones saying, “your strong – you’ll get thru this;” Their encouragement tries to conceal the stress.  My head is spinning; I’m crying inside; I don’t WANT this ride; I can’t take this ride!  Dear God How Can This Be Fair?!  Lying in silent repose – upon the pillow; “my hair.”  With lack of hope, I’m grieving – the loss of Me.  Who I am and what others see, Nothings the same, in utter despair – How can I endure their stares?  Where is the reward for the illness I feel?  I keep going back, it seems so uphill.

Till I see their little smiles and voices say, “We need you Mommy and when can you play?”  So I’m taking this ride however far or wide; Cause I’m loved, not just outside, but on the inside!  I’m taking this ride; ——- I’m taking this ride!

♥ Blessings and a Motherly Hug to each of you that may need one,

Angel Kisses, Stacie

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